monday morning quick joke

[JohnWester]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world.  Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber.  "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son!  May I ask you a question?  Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

[Joe]

I like that one. I can tell that one at home.

[Lee Borgersen]

It's not Monday, but here's one:


Bacon Tree

Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree. "Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said. So why did he say not to go there?," a person asked. Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jews- they lie just for a joke."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew. Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."
The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute. "He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oy=vay, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree,

(Are you ready?)














"It vuz a ham bush."

[Dr.Bob]

Here is my Thursday morning joke:

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything
under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yes, I was a salesman back in Minnesota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many customers bought
something from you today?

The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?"

The kid says, ;"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down
the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said
he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK? Is that right?"

The kid answered, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife,
and I said 'Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go fishing.'"

[Lee Borgersen]

BEER, FISHING, GOLF & SEX

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[attachment deleted by admin]

[Dr.Bob]

BWWAAAAAHAAAHAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAA


 :D :D :D

[Dr.Bob]

Actually that aint that funny Lee!!!

If you put a few pounds on him he would kinda look like us :o.

Are we starting to see a pattern here???.

[WoodChuck]

  only after sucking down to many buckies, and then you can wrap your lips around your ears. and that usually takes about a case and a half personaly !!!!!!!!!?
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? WOODCHUCK !

[Lee Borgersen]

Supermarket Surround sound


 The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to
 keep
 the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
 distant
 thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

 When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
 scent of fresh hay.

 When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the
 air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

 The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

 I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[Lee Borgersen]

                Believing at 90

*A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I
 have an
 
  18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of
  that?"

  The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and
  never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his
  umbrella by mistake.

 
 When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his
  umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What
  do you think of that?"

  The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

  The doctor said, "My point exactly."

[Lee Borgersen]

 Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their  lives. It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him  every day.


 
 "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our
 lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many
 years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and

 
 I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if
 there's baseball in Heaven."

 
 Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been
 my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible,
 I'll do for you."
 And shortly after that, Sam passes on.
 It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he
 is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out
 to him, "Moe.... Moe...."
 "Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
 "Moe, it's me, Sam."
 "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
 "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
 "Sam? Is that really you? Where are you?"
 "I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really
 good news and a little bad news."
 "So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
 "The good news," says Sam, "is that there is baseball in heaven.
 Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there.
 Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always
 spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can
 play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
 "Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest
 dreams! But, what's the bad news?"
 "You're pitching Tuesday."

[Bufflehead]

 Did you hear about the Italin couple who got married?

 On their honey moon night they stayed at her parents place.

 The new bride was helping her mother cook dinner.

 Her mother said, I cook'a dinner, you go'a please'a your man.

 The new bride headed up stairs and when she got to their room, her new husband took off his shirt.

 She came running down stairs yelling mom'ma...mom'ma he has'a hair all over his'a chest.

 Mom'ma say thays'a ok, you go up'a stairs and please'a your man

 She return upstairs to their bedroom and he takes off his pants.

 The new bride come running down stairs, yelling mom'ma...mom'ma he has'a hair all over'a his legs.

 Mom'ma says, thats ok, you go'a up a stairs and please'a your man

 The new bride returns upstairs to their bedroom, where she finds her new husband taking off his shoes and socks, where she see's he has half of one his feet cut off in a motorcycle wreck.

 She runs down stairs yelling mom'ma...mom'ma he has a foot and a half

 Her momma says you stay here. I'a go up'a stairs? and please'a your man

[DaveO]

Ole's Accident
           
                Ole was working at the fish plant up nort in Dulut when he accidently cut
                off all ten of his fingers.
               
                He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the Norsky
                doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I
                can do."
               
                Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers."
               
                "What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said.  "Lord - it's
                2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could
                have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da
                fingers?"
               
                To which Ole says........ (Are you ready for this???)
               
               
               
                Scroll down
               
               
               
               
   
                "How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up?
         

[Lee Borgersen]

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? :-\





Dam!