Becoming an IBOT
Waskish, Mn, March 26, 2003 - As you look across the frozen water it appears to be a normal Minnesota winter scene; trucks roll across the surface of the ice, the lake is dotted by blue and black fish houses, the sound of gas augers roars across the distance. A normal Minnesota lake, in a normal Minnesota winter. But upon further inspection, these are no ordinary people fishing-they are members of an exclusive organization, these are no ordinary fish swimming beneath the three feet of ice-these are Red Lake slabs, who are rumored to roam the lake with mermaids and seals, this Is no ordinary lake, this is Upper Red Lake, and you are now entering The Triangle.
It all began one harsh winter many years ago. The walleye population had crashed drastically from over harvest. A rogue angler looking for a couple decent sized perch to take home stumbled across a limit of crappies. Word spread quickly throughout the country; the Triangle had begun to take hold. As people started to fish the lake ever increasingly, they began to notice weird happenings. The shore would mysteriously turn, compass readings could no longer be trusted, people, for no apparent reason would just fall down. At first, it was assumed that these were all just strange coincidences, a mixture of cheap beer and lack of knowledge of the lake was blamed.
A small group of people began to realize that this was not mere coincidence; they learned to understand and respect the power of the triangle. This small, exclusive group of fishermen, known as the International Brotherhood of Triangulists (IBOTs) first donned lead suits to ward off the power f the Triangle. However, they soon came to learn the power of the Triangle stretched far beyond the shores of this 107,832-acre lake. While traveling through the town of Shooks, several miles from the shores of the lake, an IBOT dropped a cup of scalding coffee in his lap, while shaking around trying to get the scalding coffee off of his unmentionables; he went through what came to be known as The Holy Intersection. During that night’s session on the lake, the clumsy IBOT seemed to be immune to the powers of the Triangle. Since that fateful day, the Shooks Shake has been a part of any trip to Upper Red by serious anglers who wish to ward off the powers of the Triangle.
But lead suits and the Shooks Shake were not entirely enough to ward off the powers of the Triangle, which seemed to be growing stronger as it lured more and more fishermen onto its frozen surface. IBOTs soon learned to appease the Crappie Gods (which were rumored to be in cahoots with the Triangle, the mermaids, and the seals that are said to live in the vast expanses of the lake) with a toast of Old Milwaukee’s Best Special Dark Reserve Light Pilsner Bock Amber Malt Liquor Ice……..Lager, and a yearly donation of equipment, whether it be a rod, a flashlight, or an auger stuck in the ever-thickening ice.
One may wonder, "How do I become a member of this exclusive brotherhood, and receive my snazzy lead vest?" Well, in all actuality, it is quite simple. First step in joining is to make the pilgrimage to the Temple of the West Winds, on the shores of the fabled Upper Red Lake. The candidate for brotherhood must then proceed to pinch his or her depth bomb between his or her nostrils, if the candidate is able to perform this task, he/she will then be allowed to become an IBOT after signing the poster on the wall, receiving his/her membership card, and buying every IBOT with a lesser number an Old Milwaukee’s Best Special Dark Reserve Light Pilsner Bock Amber Malt Liquor Ice……..Lager to commemorate his/her first "Toast to the Crappie Gods". Though extensive testing has been done by the scientists at The Temple of the West Wind, IBOT membership seems to be the only way to ward off the powers of the Triangle.
I was fortunate enough to interview one member of the IBOT organization. He preferred not to give me his name, but rather insisted that I call him by the name he was given by the brotherhood LABS4ME. I asked him what an IBOT was and this was his response, "IBOT? International Brotherhood of Triangulists…If you have to ask about the Triangle, you haven’t been affected by it yet. We are a fledgling group dedicated to fighting the Triangle by unraveling and exposing all of its mysteries!"
According to IBOT #5, also known as Jigglestick, "IBOT members in good standing will:
1) Remember to do the Shooks Shake at the Holy Intersection.
2) Upon arrival in Waskish, a toast to the Crappie Gods will be made.
3) Remove lead body suits before entering the Temple of the West Winds 4) Make a yearly sacrifice of personal fishing gear to the Triangle."
So, what is the Red Lake Triangle really? Some say it is a government conspiracy, some say it is caused by aliens, others say that the people who fish Red Lake simply need to stop drinking so much. Whatever is to blame for all the strange things happening across the surface of Red Lake, one thing is for sure, the Triangle is everywhere, you may not feel its effects now, but it is far-reaching and some day when you are sitting alone at home watching TV, or working on the computer, you will feel a sudden urge to see exactly how it feel to clamp a depth bomb on you nose, and that my friend, is The Triangle
IBOT 380
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